Monday, January 01, 2007

R.I.P. Lord Lampton 1922 - 2006


Today I’m mourning the death of Lord Lampton who has died at the age of 84, He was a Conservative Health Minister in Ted Heath’s Government and had to resign after he was photographed Smoking Dope in bed with two working girls (prostitutes to you).
When asked about it on air by Robin Day he said.
"I think that people sometimes like variety. I think it's as simple as that and I think that impulse is probably understood by almost everybody. Don't you?"
Which is a posh way of saying, “No I’m not sorry really and I had a good time”.
After his resignation Lambton decided he’d had enough of English hypocrisy and moved to Italy where he has lived ever since.
If I hadn’t given up drinking for New Year I’d be raising a glass to you today sir.
(thanks to Ian Dale for info and pic)

Saturday, December 30, 2006

New Year Revolutions

I’ve resolved to try and stop drinking (again) for New Year, so I’ve been getting myself ready. My drinking resembles an ocean liner; insomuch as it can’t just be stopped and turned round on a sixpence, if you want to stop at some specific place in time you have to start slamming the anchors on way back, slowly cutting down and withdrawing, otherwise I’ll just throw myself into DT’s which can be really dangerous (one out of every ten episodes of delirium tremens are fatal, and I’ve been in ‘The Nightmare Zone’ so many times over the years; I daren’t push my luck any farther)
I’ve fallen off the wagon and had to pull myself up by my bootstraps so often now that I’m getting used to the pattern, three or four sleepless shaky nights, then you just fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion; having really weird vivid dreams for a couple of nights, then you wake up one blessed morning feeling really good unable to think why at first, then it clicks, you haven’t got a hangover and actually feel like a human, you bounce out of bed whistling wanting to kiss the postman etc.
I’m at that point now, so feel cautiously confident about Monday.
Wish me luck I’m going to need it.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I'm trying to be cheerfull, but it's not easy.

I’ve noticed that when I drop a cube of ice into my ex-wife’s glass of vodka and plasma as it melts, the level of liquid in the glass doesn’t rise!
The liquid increase in the glass is compensated by the shrinkage in volume of the ice cube as it melts.
Surely then doesn’t this give the lie to the claim of massive sea level rises as the north south pole Antarctica etc melts?
Ah yes said my (more brainy than me) friend, but if you drop a cube of ice in to the glass the level will rise, the ice that is already beneath sea level won’t affect the level but the Ice above it as it descends into the sea will!
Oh well, I was hoping that Andy’s mam; and I whilst sitting wasting ourselves in some hostelry had stumbled upon a flaw in the doomsayers prophesies. Not so, we’re all going to die, and it’s going to be one hell of a lot sooner than you all think.
No one seems to realise how quickly these things accelerate, I used to play a game in jail to win money from the other cons, taking a chess board I’d put on penny on the first square, and then look for a likely victim, choosing him I’d say which would you rather have? £15million, or, one penny for the first square, two for the second, four for the next, eight for the next, and so on, doubling up every time, the board only has thirty two squares.
Sure enough the guy would look at the board, look at me (weighing up if I was crazy) and then go for the £15million every time.
The truth is that once every square has been filled you’ve got several times more than his paltry £15 million. This won me a lot of tobacco (and a few black eyes) but I think the western governments are behaving just the same as my fellow cons.
We aren’t going to be in serious environmental trouble in our grandchildren’s lifetimes, nor our children’s but ours, and I’m pretty old; with ten years or less left!
Unfortunately there’s nothing to be done about it, to make any kind of headway at all with the environment would involve international co-operation which simply isn’t going to happen, not before it’s too late anyway.
Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Thanks to Banksy for this


Have a safe Xmas and a hassle free new year

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Oh no not you again!

I’ve just had the weirdest dream I dozed off at the keyboard (the way I often do) and I dreamed I was sitting in the theatre bar (the new one the way they’ve done it out to look more like an up market clothes shop than a pub) and Mike Fallon came over to me and said unless you sing the ‘Cheeky Girls song (‘Touch my bum’) on the Karaoke you’re barred out.
So I walked out and went to the carry out place round the corner and got fish and chips but the fish were still alive and kept singing touch my batter and one even tried to go down on me (some of the chips even looked like Lembit Opik) I don’t know what to do!

Friday, December 22, 2006

I'm thinking of becoming a politician

I can’t remember who it was that said that politics was show business for ugly people but it surely is true.
I mean would any women in her right mind go with John Prescott?
And whatever you might think about the musical abilities of the ‘Cheeky Girls’ you still would, wouldn’t you?
Lembit Opik certainly would and he does as well the horny bastard (I wish it was me) aaaarrggghhhh!!!

Drunk again!

I got thrown off the Selandia again last night, for being drunk and I’m not complaining about that cos I was, but my complaint is the way they act as if the place was the poshest club in town when everyone knows it’s tatty and shabby and very down-market looking, A while ago my friends and I paid £16 each for a meal in the restaurant and whilst it was ok, it certainly wasn’t worth that much.
My current favorite is the Jade Fountain on Cornwallis street the food’s brilliant and you can eat all you want/whatever you want for a fixed price usually around £12
(When I went in to book a table for my family the other day the lady behind the counter said ”Oh I remember you you’re the bloke who came in drunk and fell asleep with your head on the table!”oops!)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

He's not even from Barrow

I see that Mr. Hutton is, (amongst his other draconian plans) going to cut the benefit of the long term unemployed, and you can bet your boots he’s going to start with his own constituency, his idea is that by cutting peoples benefit and leaving them penniless he is ‘helping them back to work’! I’ve got news for you John there are no jobs up here, taking away peoples benefit isn’t helping them to work It’s simply helping them to starve, maybe the truly enterprising/desperate amongst us will be able to start drug dealing, prostitution or turn to crime in some other way to try and pay the bills and feed our families, but mainly we are just going to suffer.
It’s pretty obvious what Johns agenda is, he’s busily scrambling up the greasy pole with his eye on the top job, and he’s keen to show himself to be the man who can be relied upon to do the dirty work, and make the unpopular decisions regardless of how much it hurts his constituents.
Yes; when the chips are down and people are going to have to suffer, John’s your man to make them do it, and you can be sure he’s going to make an example of his own constituency first, so that no tabloid rag can come along in a year or so and expose him for being soft on us whilst hard on those southerners.
One of John’s problems is that he’s always been a staunch Blairite, so what will happen to his career prospects when Gordon (or whoever gets the increasingly poisoned chalice of PM) comes to power remains to be seen.

United Utilities get it right.

United Utilities (for it is they) are going to build a massive water tank under St Georges square right in the middle of Barrow, to take surplus flood and storm overflows. It’s going to be the size of five Olympic swimming pools and will involve closing Abbey Road (The main road into the town) for three months.The access tunnel alone will stretch all the way from Coronation Gardens! It strikes me as a pretty huge and expensive project; which you wouldn’t undertake unless you thought you were really going to need it, at least it’s good to see someone taking the reality of climate change seriously, maybe we should just take to the hills and higher ground now.

Uncomfortable questions I can’t seem to get an answer to: part 1
Q: What’s going to happen to Sellafield nuclear plant if the sea level rises?
A: ?